i am

If we fall in love because someone makes us laugh, what happens when we no longer find them funny? If we fall in love because someone is beautiful, what happens when that beauty fades? If we fall in love because someone can provide for us, what happens when they lose their wealth? Love is beyond laughter, beauty and wealth. Those are just physical. So if you intend to love someone, be sure to accept the challenge called, “CHANGE”.

I had a really bad nightmare last night and I woke up screaming.

I dreamt that I was back at my old house, and I went out in the middle of the night to the porch to pick something up (can’t remember why.) When I was coming back in, somehow I felt that I had to sneak in softly. So I opened the door really slowly, and walked into the house in the dark. As I was closing the door, I heard the familiar storming of hurried footsteps down the stairs.

It was my d__.

He had a parang (don’t ask.) in his hand and as he swung it down towards me I screamed. And woke up.

It felt so real, so familiar.

I’m so afraid of violence, so afraid of all the shouting, so afraid of fights.

this year, 2010.

Isn’t it such an honor turning 21 in the 21st Century?

Ha. Today’s the eleventh day of the year 2010. Never saw this year coming – in the sense that I’ve never imagined how I’d be like this year. After our Primary and Secondary school days, nobody really cares about the numerical digits of the years anymore. It’s not as if we have to fill in the dates on the top right hand corners of all our worksheets, along with our full names and register numbers. But I still do that, if nothing but for nostalgia. Instead, our years are characterized more by what year of our university education we’re in (currently), how much time (in years) we have left before we have to achieve something. And eventually I don’t suppose we’ll care about what year it is anymore, when we become full-fledged workers facing the walls and our computer screens from sunrise to sunset every single day.

This year isn’t very significant for me, other than the fact that I adore the number (it being a multiple of 5, even number, looking really pretty with a pattern and all). I’m turning 21 in less than 4 months. I’ll find out how much people currently in my life love me, if at all. I might get a sense of my determination back, seeing how a sprinkling of it is back already. I swear I won’t live to regret this year the same way I’m regretting how I’d spent the past year.

I tell a friend “give it up” all the time. Put me in his shoes and I can’t see how I wouldn’t act the same way that he is acting now. But when our actions reek of desperation, where we claw at anything just to hold on to the little hope we have, maybe it’s time to give up. And spouting words of wisdom is always easier than acting on them.

I wonder if life is a game, and if all of us are just tokens played by someone out there. But what would be the purpose of this game? I reckon it might be similar to Monopoly in the quantifiable aspects, but a revolutionizing game in the intangible aspects. I’ve always believed that our lives are predetermined, and that we all end up on the paths drawn for us. And even if we fight, it was part of our destiny.

“Predetermined”, “destiny”, “paths”, are loose words I employ boldly, with absolutely no knowledge of how the wiser ones have defined them to be. I don’t know any arguments and I don’t want to know, not now anyway.

What does it mean to want something, what does it mean to like someone, what does it mean to lose all you have? Do these first require you to define the things you have, the people you love, and your right to possess anything?

Maybe the love we allow ourselves to accept is the love we think we deserve. And the love we give is the love we think they deserve. What if we just give people the love we want to have, and expect little in return. Because then, we’ll be thankful for any love above what we expected, and if we do receive less than what we had expected, maybe we shouldn’t be looking for love in that direction.

Last night, I woke up from a nightmare, where I was having a terrible nightmare. It was a dream in a dream, and when I woke up feeling so relieved in the dream, the first thing I reached out for was my handphone. In the dream, I saw no new texts on my phone, and I was indescribably disappointed. Then I suppose that overwhelming emotion woke me up truly. And I reached out for my handphone (for real this time), and found no replies.

It was surreal, as if telling me that what I fear is true.

I no longer make wishes when it’s 11:11. Sometimes because I don’t feel the need to, but mostly because I’m not looking for 11:11 anymore. 11:11 hardly appears to me these days.

Some pictures, because I’ve been out and about. Hardly. Chinese New Year is coming, and CNY last year marked the beginning of something new. I wonder what the new lunar new year has in store for me?

Guess where we went? (:

My baby's artwork. hahaha :p

(: similar pose

how cute is this?

people playing soccer

i like this

non-parallel mirrors (:

I’m going to bake chocolate lava cake this weekend!

I'm sad

It’s a surreal feeling to have people around you, knowing their hearts are not with you. It’s true, especially when you can feel it.

And the hurt is piercing.

It’s a sad feeling when you know people you love are keeping things from you. I used to wonder why people resorted to doing some hurtful things that they did, maybe now I understand. Just a little. The hurtful things they do can’t mask the hurt they feel inside, though.

And the hurt still continues.

It’s pitiful to hang onto someone, when you don’t have their heart anymore. But what can we do? Give up? No, we wouldn’t. Maybe, we still love the person. But maybe, there is no point in holding on, cos you’ve lost their heart already. That’s kind of selfish; to grab tightly onto someone, knowing they’ll be happier without you, or with someone else.

Does it hurt more if your loved ones left you because love was gone, or does it hurt more if your loved ones left you because of someone else?

Or maybe, there wasn’t love at all to start with.

Do you get nightmares?

I’m really terrified of nightmares.

Whenever I wake up from a nightmare, I’ll be so scared. And I’ll wish I could run to someone who will hug me and tell me everything’s alright.

I used to do it to my mom, but it’s weird to do it now. I’ll have to wake both my mom and my dad.

I had 2 nightmares last night. And I got mad after the second one because I felt so alone.

Nobody’s fault, really.

I was just mad, and sad, and scared.

I hate nightmares.

And I fucking hate butterflies.

dreams are my reality~

I had the most mosaic dream last night.

He was in my dream, signifying the realisation of the long overdue meet-up. But there was someone else that we waited for, someone I didn’t know. And that someone did not appear.

The other parts of the dream I don’t really remember, but it was an oddly pleasant dream.

Driving comes pretty natural to me only because in my dreams, I drove without knowing how to. So the unfamiliarity was so familiar.

Strange.

Sometimes, the smell of the air reminds me of the past. Sometimes, it reminds me of my dreams.

The smell of the little unit above the clinic always reminds me of 2007.

Would you remember too?

dreams

I can’t differentiate between dreams and reality anymore. Although, dreams seem to be harsher to me these days.

I call all bad dreams nightmares, so they might not be the traditional kind of nightmares people expect, but they are frightening, to say the least. When I wake up after a nightmare, time suspends for that little while. Between the time that I am fully conscious, and the time I get out of my dream, time hangs on just a little longer than usual. It’s a weird feeling.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?

Ernest Hemingway

I’m reading The Gargoyle now, it’s pretty good. Book series scare me, so I skip those shelves when I’m at the library. I wonder how people choose which books to read. This is my 3rd book this month, and I have Geek Love waiting for me.

Oh, and my insomnia is back, not that it matters to you. Haha.

life's unbelievable

I had a funny dream last night.

Dreamt that you talked to me, and that I was the last to know everything. It was seriously a mixed happy/sad feeling.. But I was so glad that you actually told me. ):

It’s so sad to drift away from your friends and awkward silences fill what used to be endless banters.

Am working on something but I’ve no inspiration to continue, don’t even have a vague idea of what it should mean. I just have a beginning and things I want to include.

Thanks vanessa for the card (: I just got it yesterday hahaha ❤

veronica mars.

Last night, I had this awesome dream.

I dreamt I “was” Veronica Mars.

And there was Logan

Plx.

Best dream I’ve had in ages..

He was so awesomely sweet and hunky and cute and suave hahahaha I think, the vmars overdose has gotten to me. BUT I WOKE UP FEELING SO HAPPY. Can’t remember why I woke up though.. And can’t remember if I was actually Veronica Mars looking like her (Bell!!), or was I myself in a Veronica situation. Either way, it’s still cool.

): Now I’m back “in” -reality-. Or so I think.

No more Logan. ):

No more Veronica Mars (in both sense. 😥 why did they discontinue the series ):)

And I don’t like waiting for new episodes (i.e. Heroes), I prefer watching series at a go. Like every single thing. Which reminds me, I still want to watch Alias. ): Seasons 3 and above?? Anyone?? ):

Shall finish OTH soon, and the last episode of Californication. Rome doesn’t appeal to me ): Neither does Weeds. Does anyone have Gossip Girl? ): Sigh, what a deprived country.

Nvm, the main point of this entry was that I dreamt about Logan =D

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