I can crash now.

When I was 9, I met a really special girl. She’s the only girl I remember now, even though I had loads of girl friends then.

When we were 9, all we cared about was where to go after school, how long more we were gonna spend playing hop-scotch, which guys to tease and ‘eeew’ at. Even though we knew somehow that our paths ahead would be so strangely intertwined with this gender, we didn’t care. They were the enemy, we had a gender war going on.

When I was 11, I fell in love for the first time. He told me, ‘baby it’s just puppy love!’ I -search engined- the term, and I wanted to dispute it. But he called me baby, and I was happy. I didn’t care that I was fat and ugly, and that he didn’t like me, or that he wa probably making fun of me. I didnt care. Not there, not then.

When I was 13, I understood what it meant to be betrayed by someone you trusted. I had a good friend, someone I had relied on and looked up to. But her betrayal was carved so deeply in my heart, I swore then that I’ll never betray anyone. I hated school, hated ‘friends’ and I hated girls. But nobody cared, no, you must be lying. She’s a wonderful girl; they were on her side. Who cares about outcastes?

When I was 15, I broke a boy’s heart. I was selfish, I wanted someone else. And I didn’t want to let go, because we’re brought up to always have a contingency plan in hand. But I learnt, no, that’s not how you treat relationships. That’s not how you treat people. Eventually, I let go of both. Because it wasn’t love that led me to hold on; it was greed, and admiration. And I knew that I wanted to love and be loved. Because love is supposed to be for happiness, not for practicality.

When I was 17, I fell in love again. I thought he was all I wanted. But i realized that all I had then was someone who gave in to me all the time, someone who was sweet to me, someone I appreciated but didn’t love. I loved the things he did. But only because they were mainly what I told him (explicitly or otherwise) to. People said then that ‘hes willing to do yhese because he loves you!!’ I was so spoilt but i didn’t care, especially when I wanted to end it. But there are reasons people don’t know, and probably never will.

I learnt that we shouldn’t force people to change for us; if it’s something they want to do for you, they will. Otherwise maybe you’re not suited for each other. And I always think that it’s better to cut things off cleanly. I’m sad we can’t be friends anymore. Humans are funny things, we can’t forgive easily yet we crave forgiveness all the time.

When I was 19, I fell in love again. Never mind that how we met was bad, and a sane-person (or at least the general conservative Singaporean or the typical Rafflesian) wouldn’t have expected anything to come out of it. And I learnt so many things since then, and I’ve learnt what it feels like to have your heart broken. It hurts, it really does. But feeling tremendous hurt allows you to feel happiness clearly. Maybe the higher your risk, the greater your returns, but the greater your losses too. Being in love doesn’t mean that you’re happy every second. But not being happy every second of the day doesn’t mean that you’re not happy everyday. Because I am happy everyday just thinking about him.

Every experience I’ve gone through in life has taught me something. Life has taught me things way more interesting and useful than what Accounting courses have. (random angst alert) I’ve learnt that taking a course you have no interest in could permanently impair your cogntive abilities, because you just don’t want to process any of it. Or maybe it’s just the rebel of a brain I have.

I also learnt today that small things can make a person’s day instantly, and how 2 small events can happen consecutively to revive a person from an autopilot mode. 🙂 compliments from hot chicks work best I guess.

My final lesson today was how true (mortal) love isn’t always found only in close relationships such as lovers, parents and children, or immediate family. You can truly love someone else too. That’s why love is so hard to define. I can’t explain that, I’m a little cofused now but I’ll work it out. Today, i spent 4h watching tv and I was surprised to be touched by so many scenes, however fictitious they may be.

My favourite quote for today, ‘love your wife, don’t scold her, don’t hit her, don’t demand anything out of her. A wife’s for you to love, so treat her right and she’ll willingly do everything for you.’

Love, me.

this time baby, I'm gonna be bullet proof

I’m not going to change the way I look, or the way I feel to conform to anything. I’ve always been a freak. So I’ve been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know.

I’m one of those people.

– John Lennon.

Most of my friends have heard this question from me, “are there days when you look into the mirror and think: Omg, I’m so pretty today!”

Most of the time I get snide remarks. They usually laugh at me, too.

But on those days, I feel happy. It feels good to feel good about yourself, even if it is something superficial like looking really attractive on a particular day.

On another note, as I’ve told some people (who think that my boyfriend and I are totally different individuals), I love him like I’ve never loved anyone before. And I’m so thankful that I met him. He taught me a part of life which I have never been acquainted with. And he taught me what it feels like to love and be loved.

Love is a feeling you just know, but can’t define.

Because when you love and know that you are loved in return, you just know it.

The biggest tragedy in life would be to love someone, not knowing that he/she doesn’t love you in return. And what could possibly trump this terrible misfortune would be to marry someone who doesn’t love you. And yet you love him/her oh-so-dearly. At least you think you do.

I’m tired of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can’t move, I can’t run, I can’t hide.

I can’t do nothing about it.

Some days I think about how fucked up my academic situation is right now, and I am so tempted to blame it all on my fucked up situation. But I know it’s just a lame excuse. Because truth is, I’m just being lazy.

So, every morning I tell myself that “it’s going to be a good day, and I’m not going to let anything bring me down.”

I don’t cry much these days, only a few minutes if I can’t control myself. Pardon me if you do see me crying.

I’m fine.

People around me are all so stressed these days.

So, here’re some things to cheer you up (hopefully)! (PS: I ripped them off from various websites. Should learn to credit my sources.)

PETER KAY’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries have a ‘use by’ date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

xoxo

i'm still alive…………

Haha, I’d like to whine and say I want and need to take a break from school work and my life in general. But then I read this email someone forwarded to me yesterday. It was really inspiring and it made me really sad.

Somehow we always think that our problems are huge. Yet when I think about what those people mentioned are going through, who am I to complain about anything? My life is awesome.

I guess there’s really no way we can compare stress and problems since they are all relative, so we shouldn’t. What might be a small problem to you might be serious enough to kill (figuratively/literally) another person.

I like to help people, and I don’t like to depend on others for help. Burdening other people isn’t something that I can ask myself to do, but maybe I will be able to with practice. But I get mad when people make use of my friends 😦

I don’t know what else I want to say. I’m tired.

And I really wish I’d taken engineering.

It would have made sense if I’d made the transfer last year, but after completing (well, almost) 2 years in this *********** school, I can’t bring myself to leave. Not because I love this place too much, but because I’ve wasted too much time here. I’m like a gambler who wouldn’t give up just because he’s put in too much money.

But, the opportunity cost of me staying here might be higher than the opportunity cost of forsaking this route and jumping to another track.

I’m just not a creature comfortable with changes. 😦

If youre not the best, youre simply one of the rest

My take on life: We have to always be good at what we do; because if we’re not, nobody will care that we’re doing it.

I saw a friend’s facebook update: perfectionism can help you when you’re doing something you’re good at, but if can defeat you when you’re doing something you’re bad at.

I used to think that there isn’t anything possible, and as long as we work hard enough we’ll be just as good. But obviously that was an extremely naive view to take. Put it simply, we could reach a certain level of competency if we worked hard enough, but how efficient would that be compared to working on something we’re actually good at? That oversimplification of matters aside, there’s always the theories of absolute advantage and comparative advantage to consider.

Sad to say, no matter how lousy (relative to the average relevant person) we might be at in any fields we might dabble in, we still have to do something. Because man was not born equal and there’s nothing we can do about it.

I want to give up.

the female perspective

He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect.

But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can.

He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze.

Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there.

Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you

a perfect response to this:

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

that special person.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Mini Cooper ^_^

I think Mini Coopers are really adorable.

I want a Mini Cooper.

Please mommy?? ^_^

This is my blog but my baby’s too cute ^_^

the show titled life.

Most days I feel like a spectator in my own life. I watch my interactions (or lack thereof) with people around me, and I observe people’s faces all too much.

Some days I believe in my observations so much that I feel almost too observant. I like to think of myself as a face-reader. That’s why I give up sometimes even before I try making a connection with people. Everyone analyses other people, whether they do it purposefully or subconsciously.  I analyse almost everyone I know, and sometimes I jump to conclusions just by listening to my friend’s complaints or opinions towards particular people.

Opinions change easily though, because actions speak louder than words. For real. What I witnessed in half an hour a few days ago changed my view towards a handful of people. Just by the words they said, the expressions on their faces, and my judgemental persona leaving me for that short period of time.

I get insecure when people judge me, and I get uncomfortable when I’m in the spotlight. So I hide.

My friend asked if I was going to have a birthday party for my 21st. I told him no, because I don’t want all the attention on me when I’m about to blow the candles on my cake. I like presents though. What’s the big deal about turning 21? Why do people have big celebrations for their 21st?

Are huge birthday parties for people who enjoy attention? Or just people who are so comfortable in their interactions with people that having a whole house-ful of people celebrating your birthday is a “no biggie”.

I just hope people remember my birthday and that they send a nice “Happy Birthday!” text, or a simple handwritten card to me. (I wouldn’t mind YSL wallets, Prada heels, Miu Miu bags either.)

I’m waiting to see what else unfolds in my life.

Life is an interactive game and our (valiant attempts to insert our own) inputs will might change our storyline.

–

(: Anyway, instead of going to Phuket this time, we’re going somewhere nicer! But I won’t reveal it just in case things don’t work out. But I’m crossing my fingers that we will get to go there together ^_^

One year ago. (:

Wild honey

I love Swiss breakfast (the one with muesli and fruits and yogurt!!) and I finally had it again yesterday, albeit for dinner this time hahah. 🙂

Wild honey is a pretty place bur apparently we aren’t allowed to take pictures in the restaurant (according to a person who follows a particular pseudo-celebrity’s blog. But I took a picture anyway..

I'm (too) distracted

I’m extremely distracted by my iPhone hahaha. Even though it’s almost the same as my iPod touch. This has…the camera function which is really fun hoho but the battery dies too quickly.

I’m happy these days despite the impending doom that is also known as aoe project which I’m not working on at all which I have a feeling will be bad but oh well..

Have I mentioned that my favourite function is the camera?? 🙂 heehee and I’m blogging from my phone heehee I’m such a kid