i am

If we fall in love because someone makes us laugh, what happens when we no longer find them funny? If we fall in love because someone is beautiful, what happens when that beauty fades? If we fall in love because someone can provide for us, what happens when they lose their wealth? Love is beyond laughter, beauty and wealth. Those are just physical. So if you intend to love someone, be sure to accept the challenge called, “CHANGE”.

I had a really bad nightmare last night and I woke up screaming.

I dreamt that I was back at my old house, and I went out in the middle of the night to the porch to pick something up (can’t remember why.) When I was coming back in, somehow I felt that I had to sneak in softly. So I opened the door really slowly, and walked into the house in the dark. As I was closing the door, I heard the familiar storming of hurried footsteps down the stairs.

It was my d__.

He had a parang (don’t ask.) in his hand and as he swung it down towards me I screamed. And woke up.

It felt so real, so familiar.

I’m so afraid of violence, so afraid of all the shouting, so afraid of fights.

I can crash now.

When I was 9, I met a really special girl. She’s the only girl I remember now, even though I had loads of girl friends then.

When we were 9, all we cared about was where to go after school, how long more we were gonna spend playing hop-scotch, which guys to tease and ‘eeew’ at. Even though we knew somehow that our paths ahead would be so strangely intertwined with this gender, we didn’t care. They were the enemy, we had a gender war going on.

When I was 11, I fell in love for the first time. He told me, ‘baby it’s just puppy love!’ I -search engined- the term, and I wanted to dispute it. But he called me baby, and I was happy. I didn’t care that I was fat and ugly, and that he didn’t like me, or that he wa probably making fun of me. I didnt care. Not there, not then.

When I was 13, I understood what it meant to be betrayed by someone you trusted. I had a good friend, someone I had relied on and looked up to. But her betrayal was carved so deeply in my heart, I swore then that I’ll never betray anyone. I hated school, hated ‘friends’ and I hated girls. But nobody cared, no, you must be lying. She’s a wonderful girl; they were on her side. Who cares about outcastes?

When I was 15, I broke a boy’s heart. I was selfish, I wanted someone else. And I didn’t want to let go, because we’re brought up to always have a contingency plan in hand. But I learnt, no, that’s not how you treat relationships. That’s not how you treat people. Eventually, I let go of both. Because it wasn’t love that led me to hold on; it was greed, and admiration. And I knew that I wanted to love and be loved. Because love is supposed to be for happiness, not for practicality.

When I was 17, I fell in love again. I thought he was all I wanted. But i realized that all I had then was someone who gave in to me all the time, someone who was sweet to me, someone I appreciated but didn’t love. I loved the things he did. But only because they were mainly what I told him (explicitly or otherwise) to. People said then that ‘hes willing to do yhese because he loves you!!’ I was so spoilt but i didn’t care, especially when I wanted to end it. But there are reasons people don’t know, and probably never will.

I learnt that we shouldn’t force people to change for us; if it’s something they want to do for you, they will. Otherwise maybe you’re not suited for each other. And I always think that it’s better to cut things off cleanly. I’m sad we can’t be friends anymore. Humans are funny things, we can’t forgive easily yet we crave forgiveness all the time.

When I was 19, I fell in love again. Never mind that how we met was bad, and a sane-person (or at least the general conservative Singaporean or the typical Rafflesian) wouldn’t have expected anything to come out of it. And I learnt so many things since then, and I’ve learnt what it feels like to have your heart broken. It hurts, it really does. But feeling tremendous hurt allows you to feel happiness clearly. Maybe the higher your risk, the greater your returns, but the greater your losses too. Being in love doesn’t mean that you’re happy every second. But not being happy every second of the day doesn’t mean that you’re not happy everyday. Because I am happy everyday just thinking about him.

Every experience I’ve gone through in life has taught me something. Life has taught me things way more interesting and useful than what Accounting courses have. (random angst alert) I’ve learnt that taking a course you have no interest in could permanently impair your cogntive abilities, because you just don’t want to process any of it. Or maybe it’s just the rebel of a brain I have.

I also learnt today that small things can make a person’s day instantly, and how 2 small events can happen consecutively to revive a person from an autopilot mode. 🙂 compliments from hot chicks work best I guess.

My final lesson today was how true (mortal) love isn’t always found only in close relationships such as lovers, parents and children, or immediate family. You can truly love someone else too. That’s why love is so hard to define. I can’t explain that, I’m a little cofused now but I’ll work it out. Today, i spent 4h watching tv and I was surprised to be touched by so many scenes, however fictitious they may be.

My favourite quote for today, ‘love your wife, don’t scold her, don’t hit her, don’t demand anything out of her. A wife’s for you to love, so treat her right and she’ll willingly do everything for you.’

Love, me.

this time baby, I'm gonna be bullet proof

I’m not going to change the way I look, or the way I feel to conform to anything. I’ve always been a freak. So I’ve been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know.

I’m one of those people.

– John Lennon.

Most of my friends have heard this question from me, “are there days when you look into the mirror and think: Omg, I’m so pretty today!”

Most of the time I get snide remarks. They usually laugh at me, too.

But on those days, I feel happy. It feels good to feel good about yourself, even if it is something superficial like looking really attractive on a particular day.

On another note, as I’ve told some people (who think that my boyfriend and I are totally different individuals), I love him like I’ve never loved anyone before. And I’m so thankful that I met him. He taught me a part of life which I have never been acquainted with. And he taught me what it feels like to love and be loved.

Love is a feeling you just know, but can’t define.

Because when you love and know that you are loved in return, you just know it.

The biggest tragedy in life would be to love someone, not knowing that he/she doesn’t love you in return. And what could possibly trump this terrible misfortune would be to marry someone who doesn’t love you. And yet you love him/her oh-so-dearly. At least you think you do.

I’m tired of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can’t move, I can’t run, I can’t hide.

I can’t do nothing about it.

Some days I think about how fucked up my academic situation is right now, and I am so tempted to blame it all on my fucked up situation. But I know it’s just a lame excuse. Because truth is, I’m just being lazy.

So, every morning I tell myself that “it’s going to be a good day, and I’m not going to let anything bring me down.”

I don’t cry much these days, only a few minutes if I can’t control myself. Pardon me if you do see me crying.

I’m fine.

People around me are all so stressed these days.

So, here’re some things to cheer you up (hopefully)! (PS: I ripped them off from various websites. Should learn to credit my sources.)

PETER KAY’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries have a ‘use by’ date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

xoxo

the female perspective

He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect.

But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can.

He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze.

Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there.

Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you

a perfect response to this:

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

that special person.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Mini Cooper ^_^

I think Mini Coopers are really adorable.

I want a Mini Cooper.

Please mommy?? ^_^

This is my blog but my baby’s too cute ^_^

(:

MY new shades

I think this picture is really nice!

letters..

Letters and notes make me happy.

I just watched an episode from this TV reality series where girlfriends write in to the programme and request that they do a “check” on their boyfriends. I guess it’s a sustainable series because of the way men are. ^_^

One of my closest friend told me that even though he loves his girlfriend a lot, when he does go overseas, he can’t be sure that both of them will stay committed to each other. When practicality (of securing a relationship with a more certain future) supercedes “love”, is it just because the love wasn’t strong enough?

Maybe one day I’ll understand why people (I am reluctant to point my finger at the male gender) get tempted seduced so easily by any other person. What about betrayal? What about the unspoken promise of being loyal.

I have more drama in my real life than these TV series that I am watching. Haha. But I’m still a happy person.

It takes more effort to write a heartfelt message on a card than to spend days looking for the perfect present. (But if it’s a combination of the two….:P)

Some days, I think about a person I love and I buy things for them on impulse. It makes me happy to spend on people I love because each gift is an embodiment of my love. (:

I have a bad feeling about tonight. ):

happier days

Happy day today.

I got a test paper back and I didn’t do that badly for a day’s work.

Met my favourite person for dinner and some bimbo dessert ^_^

And

this makes my baby happy

hehe midnight food, or late night. sama.

Love.

do whatever you feel, if it's real

Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep people away. But to see who cares enough to tear those walls down.

Sometimes people prefer hiding behind their walls, and they don’t want others poking their nosy noses in.

Here’s a quote that I absolutely love. Because it’s so sweet, and also because Logan said it. (:

“Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica you leave. Actually you have a problem with Veronica, you’re pretty much dead to me so just like evaporate or something, I don’t know… That’s kind of a general invitation. You don’t like my girlfriend then… just start heading towards the rectangle with the knob.”

Don’t keep looking back cos you’ll just keep tripping over things right in front of you that you’ve missed.