Isn’t it such an honor turning 21 in the 21st Century?
Ha. Today’s the eleventh day of the year 2010. Never saw this year coming – in the sense that I’ve never imagined how I’d be like this year. After our Primary and Secondary school days, nobody really cares about the numerical digits of the years anymore. It’s not as if we have to fill in the dates on the top right hand corners of all our worksheets, along with our full names and register numbers. But I still do that, if nothing but for nostalgia. Instead, our years are characterized more by what year of our university education we’re in (currently), how much time (in years) we have left before we have to achieve something. And eventually I don’t suppose we’ll care about what year it is anymore, when we become full-fledged workers facing the walls and our computer screens from sunrise to sunset every single day.
This year isn’t very significant for me, other than the fact that I adore the number (it being a multiple of 5, even number, looking really pretty with a pattern and all). I’m turning 21 in less than 4 months. I’ll find out how much people currently in my life love me, if at all. I might get a sense of my determination back, seeing how a sprinkling of it is back already. I swear I won’t live to regret this year the same way I’m regretting how I’d spent the past year.
I tell a friend “give it up” all the time. Put me in his shoes and I can’t see how I wouldn’t act the same way that he is acting now. But when our actions reek of desperation, where we claw at anything just to hold on to the little hope we have, maybe it’s time to give up. And spouting words of wisdom is always easier than acting on them.
I wonder if life is a game, and if all of us are just tokens played by someone out there. But what would be the purpose of this game? I reckon it might be similar to Monopoly in the quantifiable aspects, but a revolutionizing game in the intangible aspects. I’ve always believed that our lives are predetermined, and that we all end up on the paths drawn for us. And even if we fight, it was part of our destiny.
“Predetermined”, “destiny”, “paths”, are loose words I employ boldly, with absolutely no knowledge of how the wiser ones have defined them to be. I don’t know any arguments and I don’t want to know, not now anyway.
What does it mean to want something, what does it mean to like someone, what does it mean to lose all you have? Do these first require you to define the things you have, the people you love, and your right to possess anything?
Maybe the love we allow ourselves to accept is the love we think we deserve. And the love we give is the love we think they deserve. What if we just give people the love we want to have, and expect little in return. Because then, we’ll be thankful for any love above what we expected, and if we do receive less than what we had expected, maybe we shouldn’t be looking for love in that direction.
Last night, I woke up from a nightmare, where I was having a terrible nightmare. It was a dream in a dream, and when I woke up feeling so relieved in the dream, the first thing I reached out for was my handphone. In the dream, I saw no new texts on my phone, and I was indescribably disappointed. Then I suppose that overwhelming emotion woke me up truly. And I reached out for my handphone (for real this time), and found no replies.
It was surreal, as if telling me that what I fear is true.
I no longer make wishes when it’s 11:11. Sometimes because I don’t feel the need to, but mostly because I’m not looking for 11:11 anymore. 11:11 hardly appears to me these days.
Some pictures, because I’ve been out and about. Hardly. Chinese New Year is coming, and CNY last year marked the beginning of something new. I wonder what the new lunar new year has in store for me?
Guess where we went? (:
My baby's artwork. hahaha :p
(: similar pose
how cute is this?
people playing soccer
i like this
non-parallel mirrors (:
I’m going to bake chocolate lava cake this weekend!
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